In Memory of Pandora Beaux (Panda)

There are not enough words to describe my child. We would need multiple volumes of biography from so many voices to cover it all. From the day her feet hit the ground, her curiosity knew no bounds. Her entire life she dedicated herself to learning new things, trying new things, and meeting new people.  She never met a stranger. 

Pan’s accomplishments and knowledge span a broad range of interests.  From imaginative games with friends to live music concerts in the front yard, Pandora is always looking for new ways to perform and fascinate folks. Around the age of five, Pan decided they wanted to be Shrek – the big, green, onion-layered ogre.  She wore her Shrek costume daily, from what seemed like months. She insisted we call her Shrek. 

The year our bathroom was remodeled, and our bathtub sat in the yard, upside down. Pan pulled her dad’s microphone amp outside and serenaded the entire block for many afternoons. Pandora was always creative; building, creating, and dreaming. She became handy with tools of many trades, from carpentry to leather work. She sought out people who would teach her. Once “U Tube” was available, she turned to creators there to learn everything else and everything she could.

Pandora’s talents span the board, knitting and sewing her own clothes (A Dr. whose coat to match the scarf she was gifted). When she hit her teens and discovered “Dirty Kid” culture, she began putting together her “uniform” of patch-heavy jeans and vests. Countless hours were spent designing her leather jacket, which is now so heavy with spikes it is a wonder the girl can stand up straight. Must have been that martial arts training coming back. When she became a cook, she sewed her own kitchen aprons and chef hats, and made her first knife roll from leather.  

Around the age of 12 or so, Pan attended a Freak Show at her dad’s bar/job. She became fascinated by the Freak Show & Circus world and asked a local sword swallower to teach her. While she (thankfully from my mother’s heart) never got as far as swallowing swords, she did learn to spin devil sticks to eat fire, to stick large nails and railroad spikes on her in her nose, as well as assorted other odd talents.  She as a teen, would often busk around town, performing her fancy acts for strangers and once she performed on stage as part of a full freak show act. This was all before she was 17 years old! She especially wanted to travel to the USA by train hopping but only went as far as local towns via this route. 

A kid of many talents, she has always been musically inclined.  Everything from the piano, drums, and stand-up bass, to spoons, the harpsichord, and banjo.  She LOVED music and played as many instruments as she could learn also writing her own music.  Her outgoing spirit is the only reason our household knows half of the neighborhood, as she accepted everyone. There are so many things she didn’t get to but given how much she crammed into her short life I feel she’d be satisfied.  

She loved games.  Everything from Rock Band to D&D, and always enjoyed games nights with friends.  Pandora has always thirsted for knowledge and always asked a million questions when I (mom) returned to school in my 30’s, Pan spent a lot of time talking to me about my classes and studies for an elementary schooler.  She learned much more than most kids would want to know about war, genocide, politics, philosophy, and religion. Often, I kept her out of her classes so she could attend mine.

She explored Catholicism, Christianity, Buddhism, and various other faiths.  She loved attending different denomination services and learning others’ beliefs. Pandora is currently a multi- traditionalist, whose study of various faiths over the course of life has led to a balanced perspective and enthusiastic engagement with continually studying and find appropriate ways to engage with a myriad of faiths. She still carries Buddhist principles into everything she does and most closely practices and engages with Norse Paganism, Irish Paganism and Judaism.

She and her partners are devotees of Santa Muerte, the Mexican folk saint of Death. They live life with a deep understanding of relationship with Death. She also honors Hel (the Norse goddess of underworld-, Brigid, and the Morrigan. Her relationship with Santa Muerte and her relationship with Brigid as both Irish Goddess and Saint brought syncretism with Catholicism from her childhood into her spiritual practice. One of her most treasured possessions is the rosary that belonged to her godfather wo passed when she was a child. 

She has brushed with death more time in her life than most people her age and has had so many people she knows pass away. The stitch mark tattoos on her left arm symbolize lives lost, names she knows. It has been years since she updated it and she said that at last count she had somewhere around 100 stiches to add. 

Pandora’s spiritually is heavily informed by her experience performing in music, theater, and circus performances – engaging with those practices allows her to engage with the world in unconventional ways, looking at the world through different perspectives. 

Pandora began working at an early age and had jobs ranging from light landscaping to construction and oddities shop and the food industry.  She took immense pride in her work and enjoyed every new opportunity. When she started restaurant jobs, she excelled in learning new things in the kitchen and definitely improved from those early childhood “cooking” experiments. 

Pan created her own recipes and learned how to do so many handy kitchen tricks.  She loved herbs and spices, and she loved making her own mayonnaise, sauces and sweeteners. She frequently visited the local International and Hispanic markets and brought home many tasty foods our household might not otherwise tried.

Back to the child’s creativity and uniqueness, by the age of five she had a green mohawk.  She’s managed to fit in every hair color ever thought of and hairstyles from small to huge mohawks to dreads to a simple shaved head (her “Edward Norton” phase). 

She excelled in chess club, scouts, camping and martial arts. She wasn’t big on conventional learning but learned so much more on her own than any one institution could have taught her.

Pan walked through life a little like “Inspector Gadget” with “Mary Poppin’s” bottomless bag, whatever you needed in a pinch, Pandora probably had it in her jacket or bag.  Everything from tampons to electrical tape. She carried the scout motto “Always Be Prepared” close to her heart. 

She always advocated for the underdog, always protected those around her who needed to be protected. Before she even realized she was “Trans” she advocated hard for the queer community. In high school, she always picked a freshman to protect from upper class bullies and as a young child, she showed much more patience than most kids could have. She took the meaning of co-exist to a whole new level.

Pandora walked through life with courage and grace. Her heart knew no bounds. She loved Big and Wholly. She weathered many storms from teasing to bullies but always behaved as the “Bigger Person” in awful situations and her gracious and giving attitude left quite an impression on a whole lot of people. Her light is going to shine brightly for a very long time, despite her physical absence from our world. I have no doubt that whatever comes next for Pan. She will be a star for everyone and everything she encounters.  I’m so proud of her selfless attitude and how her giving spirit will allow others to live their best lives.  She has only ever wanted happiness and joy for everyone she meets, and she spreads her light far and wide.  She has always been unapologetically herself and so very brave.  There is no doubt she will be greatly missed but not ever forgotten. 

Shine on my little Rockstar. You are so loved.